Q:
"I have two children, ages 6 and 8. I love my children very much, but I
don't really like them most days. What is wrong with me? I feel like a
failure as a mother!"
A: First, let me say that there is
absolutely nothing wrong with you. The only thing you have working
against you is also the same thing you have going for you: you were
born! Each of us--born sinners that we are--are also created in Christ's
image. We love because He loves us so much so He gave His own Son for
us! As parents, how many of us would be able to do such a thing? Most of
us can barely fathom the thought of them sleeping over at a friend's
house! As John Rosemond puts it, "We are but sinners raising sinners."
While we are shooting for sainthood, obtaining wisdom in this life is
full of struggle and frustration.
No doubt you love your
children, and I would even go so far as to bet you'd give your life for
them! For most parents, that is a given, even in cases where the
definition of "love" is a bit skewed. But it would be absurd to suggest
that you don't relate more to one child over another and that this
itself will change as they grow. It's just simple logic and personality
understanding. So it makes sense that you won't necessarily "like" your
children all the time. My own children and I had this very conversation
once.
WHAT!?!?!? YOU TOLD YOUR KIDS YOU DON'T LIKE THEM!!!???
Yes . . . calm down . . . wait for it . . . .
My daughter asked one random afternoon driving down the road (because
the big questions are never set up like an after-school special) who I
loved more, her or her brother? Both were in the car, by the way; it
instantly became like rapid fire as they both tried offering their best
and obviously self-absorbed answer to the question in play. Ya feel me? I
told her that I loved them both the same; a mother's love can't be
measured, but if it could, each of their cups would be full. I was sure
to include that they were two very different people . . . very
reminiscent of the book
I Love You the Purplest by Barbara M. Joosse (I
taught both of my children kindergarten and first grade, so of course I
use every opportunity to interject a book reference--I can't help
myself!) Like most conversations of this nature, she pressed on and on,
to which I calmly and very matter-of-factly added, "But sometimes I like
you different." She immediately responded with, "Like right now, you
like him more cause I'm bugging you?" Bingo, little girl.
Of
course, my experience with this emotional struggle is quite different
from other families I've worked with. I've known parents who have tried
to fight every battle for their children from day one, never held them
accountable, consistency was out the window, and the resulting
self-induced behavioral challenges were too numerous to mention. I've
had these parents sitting before me weeping when they had finally
reached the point of breaking because of the "love" they thought they
were giving the child. I asked, "I bet most days you dread picking him
up from childcare after work?" The mother sobbed and simply said, "Yes."
She was quick to defend her love but had to admit that she didn't
"like" what her son was becoming and could hardly stand to be around
him. As sad as this is, it is very common.
I don't know the
depth of your situation, but if you find that you relate more to the
latter scenario, step back and assess your situation. Are you stuck in a
season of serving your children because you believe that "that's what
good mothers do"--yet you now realize that you're raising a narcissist?
If you're there, I want you to know that getting back on track is not
impossible. I would love to talk with you more.
Bottom line:
truly loving your children comes in your parenting attitude and how well
you lead your children. When we can love them in this way, chances are
we are gonna like them on most days too!
--Stacey
