A Message for Wives

Starting off the year thinking about R-E-S-P-E-C-T . . . and ladies, who craves it more than our men?

www.happilyparenting.com

Find us on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Pinterest, and Blogspot!

The Lesson My Mother Taught Me at a Funeral

My mother had a couple of difficult family relationships, but probably the hardest one of all was the one she had with her mother-in-law.  (I say her mother-in-law—not my grandmother--because my mother re-married when I was nine years old. We don’t use the term “step-father,” so I will refer to him as my dad, but I never enjoyed a relationship with his mother.)  Here’s why.

(I’ve read over 200 children’s books this year, so please forgive the following analogy, but I think this will be clear.)

She fell out of a mean tree and bumped every branch on the way down.

She never accepted my mother, and she definitely didn’t accept me. During every holiday, not only was she short with my mother, but she also made rude, inappropriate, and downright mean comments to her—and the comments were generally so out of left field that they revealed how very little she even knew about my mother. Honestly, these short holiday visits could probably fall under the category of verbal abuse.

And it wasn’t just that she was mean to my mother—she was hateful to her own children also. The stories from their childhood would simultaneously break your heart and curdle your blood.

Mom did the best she could, but the visits put a strain on her mind and a bigger strain on their marriage. Finally, during my early teens, she declared that she had had enough, and the visits ended. Once I got my driver’s license, I offered to drive my dad (he doesn’t drive due to his vision) to his mother’s house and let Mom stay at home.

When I was about 23 years old, Mom updated me that her mother-in-law had cancer and that her condition was very serious. A few months later, she called to tell me that she had passed away.  I offered to keep my much-younger brother, who was about 7 at the time. I took a day off from work, made plans with my little brother, and left the funeral plans to my parents.

I later found out that they were the first to arrive at the funeral home. The funeral director, of course, had no idea what the relationship was (or was NOT), so she rushed over to Mom and said, “Oh good, I’m so glad to see a lady!” And then she told my mother that she needed a dress and underclothes for burial.

At that moment, no one would have blamed my mother for declining. No one would have blamed her for telling the funeral director to use a dress from their donation pile. No one would have blamed her for making a run to Wal-Mart and buying a cheap dress.

Instead, my mother gathered my dad and his two brothers in their mother’s bedroom, and she had them stand there as she held up dress options.  Do you like this dress? Did she like this one? Do you recognize this one? What color did she like best? (This was the funny part where she discovered that all three sons are pretty seriously colorblind.) She finally chose a dress that they all liked.

Then my mother went into her late mother-in-law’s panty drawer. She dug through a drawer of old, worn-out panties that belonged to a bitter, angry woman. She chose the nicest pair she could find—the pair that had no tears or worn-out elastic or faded color.

“Do good to those who hate you.”

A thousand Sunday School lessons could never have taught me what my mother taught me that day—and I’m glad to say that I told her so. I honestly don’t know that I would have acted in such a loving way. She treated her frightening mother-in-law with the same honor, respect, and reverence that she would have used for her own mother. Her actions that day consisted of forgiveness, kindness, and grace.

In other words . . . being a lady.

--Andrea

These Days

Last night, I went into my son's room to give him one last kiss before bedtime.

It's been a good couple of weeks. We've heard "yes ma'am" and "no sir" a lot more often than usual (this is a huge sign of respecting authority for South Carolinians, so if you're from another part of the country and you don't get that, skip this part and keep reading). We've seen our son ingest a lima bean on purpose. Earlier this week, he got up from the table to go get something for his sister so that she wouldn't have to get up. He also played dolls with her. He attended a tea party. He put his empty hangers in the closet rather than leaving them dangling on the closet door knob. Dirty clothes have gone into the hamper.

I leaned down to kiss him, and he wrapped both arms around my neck and gave me a tight squeeze. Then he pulled back, looked me right in the eye, and said, "I've really been liking you a lot these days."

Well, thanks for the approval, Your Highness.

But I think I know why he was feeling so lovey-dovey all of a sudden; as I've heard Stacey say so many times, "The most obedient children are the happiest children." It's so true! When they are respecting our authority and trusting us to lead them, the whole family is aligned, and everyone is happier.

He's going to test me this week. I might get a groan when I put a vegetable on his plate. He might stroll out of his room with lights on and clothes on the floor. He may head to the car tomorrow morning and leave his book bag in the house. But we'll get back on track, and he'll eventually realize that letting his parents take the lead allows him the freedom to be a child.

Childhood freedom? Those are some happy days.

--Andrea

21 Ways to Teach Your Child to be Respectful

One of the biggest challenges for parents, no matter the child’s age, is getting said angels to realize this big green ball does not revolve around their being.  The stumping point for most is in the “how.”  How do I teach my child to think of others and not just himself?  How do I teach her to act like a lady? How do I teach them to show respect?

Well, there isn’t any textbook or pamphlet, no course, drill, or test for selfless behavior and respect. But we do have the Word and the ultimate model from our Father.  "For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." --Mark 10:45 (NIV)

It is by no happenstance that you are your child’s parent. You were chosen specifically for your child, and within you, through Him, you have all that you need to teach this selfless love for others and raise respectful children. Of course, your children also have free will . . . but that’s a topic for another day!

We teach such things by doing--by modeling respect and service. We know that our children are watching and listening even in those moments we wish they weren’t . . . you know, like that time when your five-year-old shared with the whole class that you don’t always wear pajamas to bed and that she's afraid that if the house catches on fire, you won't be able to get dressed quickly enough to get out of the house. (Okay . . . that one might have been ME when I was five . . . and yes, my mother was mortified when the teacher told her what I had said during a PTA meeting!) So yes, rest assured, your children are paying attention to EVERYTHING.

Here are just a few ways to model and “teach” your child to show respect toward others as well as themselves, to serve Him from whom we are created, and to start giving back to the big green ball!

 

1. Never buy clothing with words across the buttocks for yourself or your child . . . just don’t.

2. Chew with your mouth closed . . . no one wants to see all that.

3. When you finish shopping, put the cart back, even if it means walking back in the store.

4. Be kind if the waiter gets your food order wrong; you have bad days at work too.

5. Kiss your spouse FIRST when you get home at night! (That first kiss came before the kiddos, you know!)

6. Let the guy behind you with one item go ahead of you in line. You just might make his day!

7. Always leave a tip. ALWAYS.

8. Use “ma’am” and “sir,” with folks older than you or in a position of authority--especially in the south.

9. While waiting, give up your seat to the adult standing, no matter how old he or she is.

10. Throw your hand up in appreciation to the driver who lets you into traffic--and then be sure to let someone in yourself.

11. Hold the door--yes, even the elevator door. Your floor isn’t going anywhere.

12. Say “please” and “thank you,” even among friends. They are STILL magic words.

13. Save the TV and iPad for long car trips. There is no substitute for quality conversation and sing-a-longs!

14. Always support your child’s teacher in front of your child; if you must disagree with her, do so in private.

15. Let the doctors and dentists do their job. They are professionals.

16. Be on time, but if you do arrive late, sit in the back.

17. Prepare ONE meal at night! Your home is NOT Burger King.

18. Dance with your spouse in the kitchen . . . dinner won’t burn in those few seconds.

19. Run an errand for a friend, prepare a meal for a grieving family, send a card via snail mail . . . just be there.

20. Sometimes the reward or treat is a job well done. Period.

And last, but not least . . .

21. Chill out and remind YOURSELF that your child is not the center of all things living!

Be gracious.  Be grateful.  Do good.  Your children will follow your lead!

--Stacey