Don’t Waste Your Coronavirus Quarantine

I can honestly say that if it weren’t for the robust sermon that my pastor preached the last time we met in person, my Loopy Factor would be substantially higher than today’s meter is registering.

One of my biggest lightbulb moments occurred when he referenced John Piper’s “don’t waste” series (don’t waste your life, your time, your cancer, etc.) Our pastor encouraged us to embrace this time at home—be still, and figure out how not to waste this unprecedented time.

Well, I’m always at home. My office-based career changed when a sweet-smelling little 8-pounder was placed in my arms. I come from a long line of homebodies, so I have plenty of stamina for this time. But I don’t want these days to look like all the others.

I started thinking of my children, who are always watching (especially my little one--anyone else have a Nosy Rosey?) This is a big deal, a historical event, and something that will be talked about for years to come. It’s my job to make an impact. What will they see over these next few weeks?

I want them to see me submit to authority. Regardless of our personal feelings about elected officials, they have a huge team of highly trained scientists giving them advice. They want success, and success to them means a low number of deaths in our country. Now would be a great time to consider Hebrews 13:17 as a family.

I want them to see me treasuring our family time. We’ve seen the jokes about how we’d almost rather take our chances with this virus than have to teach our children Proof Theory, but be careful that they don’t overhear you complaining about having extra time with them. (Matthew 18:10)

I want them to see me acting out of faith-filled confidence. You know the deal—trust the Lord and wash your hands. Hope for vaccines and medicine and good health, but don’t turn any of that into an idol. (Proverbs 14:26)

I want them to see me loving my community. I will be checking on my elderly friends daily, and if they need food or medicine or even if they just get a hankering for their favorite brand of gingersnaps, I’m going to be available to them. (Galatians 6:10)

I want them to see me being resilient. This one is hard for all of us; even our most extroverted and spontaneous loved ones still like their routines, right? But no one’s life turns out exactly the way we expect (and if yours has so far, then hang on). You know how you put an address into the GPS but then ignore its directions for a few steps? What message pops up on the screen? “Recalculating.” That’s what we all need to learn to do in these days. (I Thessalonians 5:18)

These are also days to relax the rules a bit. There should be pajama parties, slightly later bedtimes (don’t go crazy—kids need structure, and you need that time to spend with your spouse or to take time for yourself), movie and popcorn nights, and a lot of family time. Our grandchildren are going to ask our children what this experience was like. Let’s plant some seeds (and make some memories)!

--Andrea (with gratitude and virtual hugs to Pastor Chuck Parker)

Encourage Independence

If your children are over age two, encourage their independence.

Let go of the lie that boundaries are bad.

Children must learn to do for themselves in order to desire doing for others. Esteeming a child to the point that he still believes he is the center of your world beyond age two produces the opposite result most well-intentioned parents want. Your goal is to foster self respect, which grows respect for others.

Holding on to your image of that sweet babe (who, just yesterday was swaddled so tight!), keeps him and YOU from much happiness and growth.

--Stacey

When we pray . . . .

Impress them on your children . . . .

Caring for Your Flock

A Chain of Honor

Balance

Balance.

Any healthcare professional will tell you that good health is largely dependent on balance. Work and play. Cardiovascular exercise and good stretches. Fruits and vegetables with the occasional cupcake.

Balance is a big deal for the health of your family dynamic, too. If all of the attention is on one person (or one CHILD), the health of the family suffers. If one child is controlling the whole family--whether it's through his/her behavior or his/her extracurricular activities--then the peace of the family is upset. And there's no balance in that.

If your family is child-centered, then your child will grow up to be self-centered.

God's design is for the relationship between husbands and wives to be second only to our relationships with Him. In other words, Dad and Mom need to put Him first, each other second, and the children (with attention distributed equally to all) come next.

#areyouhappilyparenting #itsnotaboutyou #ifyourenothavingfunyouredoingitwrong

--Stacey

A Word About Fear

Another hurricane season is here, and while this one will probably bring nothing more than wind and rain to our neck of the woods, talk of threatening weather can be a little unsettling for all of us.

Whether it's a big storm or a weird shadow in the middle of the night, scary moments are going to happen for our children. When they do, you can bet they'll be watching to see how WE react to them. Adults who are calm and fully in charge in the home allow their children to be children: less anxiety and more self-confidence.

Along with exhibiting an "I've-got-this" attitude, you can also fill your child's heart and mind with some solid truth about fear. He has not given us a spirit of fear . . . so if HE didn't give it to us, then who did? Hmmmm.

This is a good verse to start!

--Stacey

Back to School: How Big Are the Bows at YOUR House?

Back-to-school season, y'all . . . how big are the bows at your house?

Check out this video!

Giant Bows!

--Stacey

#areyouhappilyparenting  #ifyouarenthavingfunyouredoingitwrong

A Transformation

“Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” --Romans 12:2 (New Living Translation)

Do you feel tingly when you read that verse?  Do your eyes widen, and does a smile spread across your cheeks as you think of the possibilities of the word new? We all love something new:  a new book, new clothes . . . and how about the thrill of transforming something old into something new? But new comes with a price. New shoes don’t come free, and even making something new out of something old comes with a price: hard work.

Does your approach to parenting need a little transforming? Perhaps you’ve fallen into the trap of being the “good” mother, and in doing so, you’ve suddenly found yourself exhausted, your marriage in dire straights, and no idea what it means to have a peaceful home.  By today’s definition, being the good mother means being available to your children 24/7, regardless of their ages.  Women are so focused on their children that their marriages are being put on hold--and in some cases, the damage is irrevocable.  Children are more disobedient than ever, and you’re asking, “What did I do wrong?” 

Guilt comes when we choose to put something—anything—before our children.  But here’s the truth:  your children will have a better chance of happiness when YOU are happy.  They will thrive when they have happily married parents.  Joy and peace have a greater chance of reigning when God’s plan for the family is carried out.

After the first two years of life, the time when your precious angel needs you to care for his every need has come to a close—and THAT is when most mothers fail to return to their husbands.  He needs a partner, a companion, a lover, a playmate, and a friend.  You need each other to witness the other’s life, to parent as a team, and to make memories that you can replay to each other long after the youngest one has left the nest.  By placing this relationship above all others in the home, you give your children security, peace, and ultimately happiness.  When marriage takes a back seat to a relationship with a child, the balance is thrown.  You should love your children but not be “in love” with your children.  

All is not lost, dear friends.  If your priorities are a little out of whack, don’t bemoan the past—but don’t continue this pattern either.  Here are some ways that you can restore the order that God intended for your home:

1.      If your children are over age two, encourage their independence.  Let go of the lie that boundaries are bad.  Children must learn to do for themselves in order to desire doing for others.  Esteeming a child to the point that he still believes he is the center of your world beyond age two produces the opposite result most well-intentioned parents want.  Your goal is to foster self respect, which grows respect for others.  Holding on to your image of that sweet babe (who, just yesterday was swaddled so tight!), keeps him and YOU from much happiness and growth.

2.      If you’ve stopped dating your husband, please start again!  Dates don’t have to cost a thing.  Something as simple as an early bedtime for the kiddos, no matter their ages, might be all you need.  Let your children see how important you are to one another and that your relationship is worth your focus.  By dating and respecting one another, setting aside time each day just for the two of you, you’re showing your children the kind of man or woman you want them to one day have, as well as modeling how to treat that future spouse.

3.      Let your children fail.  There comes that guilt again!  Whether it stems from wanting your child to “like” you, terror over seeing him hurt (no matter how minor), or fear of how their failures will make YOU look, if you always come to his rescue—well, how will he learn to deal with adversity or know the value of hard work?  Some of the greatest joys come about because of the greatest trials.  Don’t be constantly available to your children to correct or prevent every failure.  Use this time to be available to your husband and not fail his need for your attention.

So let’s try a new approach.  Let this be the year that you shower your husband, not your children, with endless attention.  Remember your wedding day?  You didn’t marry your children; you married your husband, and you married him for life.  Mothers, I know you’ve thanked the Lord a million times for that beautiful bundle of joy that the doctor placed in your arms.  Let this be the year that you thank Him just as often for the gift of your spouse.

--Stacey

It's What We Were Made For

We were made for relationships!

#livesummerdeliberately

Valentine's Week Series: Ten Ways to Love Your Children

As our former pastor used to say, "You can't spoil a child by holding him and loving him. You spoil a child by withholding discipline." AMEN, and well said! There's a big difference between loving and cherishing our children and serving them and spoiling them. This week, our focus is love--the kind that produces pleasant children who will love you right back!

Ten Ways to Love Your Children

1. Allow them to be children; in other words, you be the parents. You make major decisions in the home and allow them to be followers. You may think that you're acting in a loving and inclusive way when you allow children to help with major decisions in the home, but the truth is that you're putting a burden on them. Parents who lack solid leadership often produce anxious children.
2. Teach them some life skills. Sure, they may enjoy playing baseball or taking a ballet class, but be sure that you're allowing them to learn to do what you do in the home. Which skill will your child need more--executing a killer pirouette or knowing how to separate darks from whites?
3. The next time you don't feel 100%, let your children take care of you. We're not talking about major care and responsibility--but if you have a slight headache or a case of the sniffles, ask your child if he or she would like to help you feel better, and see what happens. That question can lead you to discuss anything from practical tips that they need to learn to talks about compassion and putting others' needs before your own.
4. Lighten up when it rains. Okay, maybe not now, when it's so cold, but the next time you have a warm, balmy day that turns rainy, we think that would be the perfect time for boat racing in a big puddle.
5. Talk about Jesus. Make Him real to them. If you have smaller children, point out a beautiful sunrise and suggest that they tell Jesus that they like His art work. Tell them that He loves to receive compliments on His hard work. Talk about Him as often as you can, and use His name. Remember that there is power in that name!
6. Read to them. If you have older children, read from a devotion book while still sitting at the kitchen table, or read an old mystery novel together as a family.
7. Be honest with them.  No matter what age they are, children can always tell when you're not being honest. This is especially true when you get into the bigger discussions during the pre-teen and teen years. Establish a foundation with your children so they will come to you with questions. Answer what they ask . . . but be sure you understand exactly what they're asking!
8. Spend some one-on-one time. In our house, we have a saying: "Girls with the girls, boys with the boys." Whether meeting up at a restaurant or spending a Saturday running errands or working around the house, one-on-one gives us time to share real life lessons and model being a woman and being a man for our children.
9. Surprise them! This one works only if your children aren't accustomed to getting something ALL. THE. TIME. When they are taught to wait for special things--even little things--they, in turn, reap the benefit of a genuine surprise. It can be as simple as a box of Cracker Jacks in their seats when you pick them up from school to as big as a quick trip to the library or local yogurt shoppe. While these may seem silly and outdated to some, children are the same as they've always been--but we have changed our approach--which, unfortunately, now includes too much stuff way too soon.
10. Pray for them and for their future spouses. Right now your child's other half is most likely out there in some corner of the world. Whether just down the road, across the seas, or friends since birth, begin praying for them now. Pray for their purity, humility, and character, and most of all, pray that their hearts desire Christ above all else.

Praying that you're happily parenting today!

--Stacey and Andrea

Whatcha Got Wednesday: February 10, 2016 Edition

Q: I have two children, ages 6 and 8. I love my children very much, but I don't really like them most days. What is wrong with me? I feel like a failure as a mother!

A: First, let me say that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. The only thing you have working against you is also the same thing you have going for you: you were born! Each of us--born sinners that we are--are also created in Christ's image. We love because He loves us so much so he gave his own Son for us! As parents, how many of us would be able to do such a thing? Most of us can barely fathom the thought of them sleeping over at a friend's house! As John Rosemond puts it, "We are but sinners raising sinners." While we are shooting for sainthood, obtaining wisdom in this life is full of struggle and frustration.

No doubt you love your children, and I would even go so far as to say you'd give your life for them! For most parents, that is a given, even in cases where the definition of "love" is a bit skewed. But it would be absurd to suggest that you don't relate more to one child over another and that this itself will change as they grow. It's just simple logic and personality understanding. So it makes sense that you won't necessarily "like" your children all the time. My own children and I had this very conversation once.

WHAT!?!?!? YOU TOLD YOUR KIDS YOU DON'T LIKE THEM!!!???

Yes . . . calm down . . . wait for it . . . .

My daughter asked one random afternoon driving down the road (because the big questions are never set up like an after-school special) who I loved more, her or her brother? Both were in the car, by the way; it instantly became like rapid fire as they both tried offering their best and obviously self-absorbed answer to the question in play. Ya feel me? I told her that I loved them both the same; a mother's love can't be measured, but if it could, each of their cups would be full. I was sure to include that they were two very different people . . . very reminiscent of the book I Love You the Purplest by Barbara M. Joosse (I taught both of my children kindergarten and first grade, so of course I use every opportunity to interject a book reference--I can't help myself!) Like most conversations of this nature, she pressed on and on, to which I calmly and very matter-of-factly added, "But sometimes I like you different." She immediately responded with, "Like right now, you like him more cause I'm bugging you?" Bingo, little girl.

Of course, my experience with this emotional struggle is quite different from other families I've worked with. I've known parents who have tried to fight every battle for their children from day one, never held them accountable, consistency was out the window, and the resulting self-induced behavioral challenges were too numerous to mention. I've had these parents sitting before me weeping when they had finally reached the point of breaking because of the "love" they thought they were giving the child. I asked, "I bet most days you dread picking him up from childcare after work?" The mother sobbed and simply said, "Yes." She was quick to defend her love but had to admit that she didn't "like" what her son was becoming and could hardly stand to be around him. As sad as this is, it is very common. 

I don't know the depth of your situation, but if you find that you relate more to the latter scenario, step back and assess your situation. Are you stuck in a season of serving your children because you believe that "that's what good mothers do"--yet you now realize that you're raising a narcissist? If you're there, I want you to know that getting back on track is not impossible. I would love to talk with you more.

Bottom line: truly loving your children comes in your parenting attitude and how well you lead your children. When we can love them in this way, chances are we are gonna like them on most days too!

Let's talk!

--Stacey